How I See Money, How You See Money

This past week, my post at the New York Times stirred things up a bit. If you haven’t seen it yet, the basic premise is that people can think and talk about money differently. These differences are the result of many factors, but obviously include family background, education, experience, and, of course, gender. Apparently, some took it to mean that I believe that all men talk about money one way exclusively and all women another. It’s not that simple, and the point of today’s newsletter is to illustrate how complex these conversations can be and how dangerous it can be to pretend these differences don’t exist.

Money often gets the blame for breaking up relationships, and in many cases it’s definitely a source of frustration and anxiety. For a friend of a friend, it’s reached a serious point in her first year of marriage. Married last spring, things looked really good for the couple. Her husband had a steady job and she managed to get a new job soon afterwards. They also got a good deal on a home.

The trouble started about a month into the marriage when he was laid off due to budget issues. She didn’t worry because he seemed so confident he’d get another job. And once in a while he did get some short-term work, but nothing that lasted more than a week or two. To prompt him about the need to find regular work, she brought home applications to apply for a second job herself. The only response it prompted was, “Why are you so worried? I’ll get another job soon.”

Now, six months later, she’s in danger of losing her primary job and her husband still isn’t actively looked for work. In her words, he’s waiting for the perfect job. She asks the question on a regular basis, “What can I do to help?” and he assures that he’s on top of it.

Unfortunately the job isn’t the only issue. Credit cards and how they manage their debt have also caused anxiety. While she was raised to avoid debt as much as possible—buy older cars, don’t max-out credit cards—her husband was raised to spend versus save. So while she bought him a birthday present she knew they could afford, he went and purchased her a gift that pushed their credit card to the limit.

Without fail, every time she expresses concern about their financial situation, her husband shrugs it off, after all, these things just take care of themselves, right? Tasks like going through their budget together or reminding him to keep track of his receipts so they know how much money they’re spending haven’t had an impact.

This story is only an example. Don’t get caught up in the particulars of this story. Just take it as one more example of how complex these conversations can be. I suspect this story, particularly the back and forth, could apply to many of you. In a relationship, it’s very easy for one partner to bear the burden of the financial life, including all the worry that comes with it. In the case of this particular couple, the wife is very pragmatic about their finances while the husband chooses to ignore them. Here’s the thing that’s so frustrating. It’s really easy to paint the husband as the bad guy in the situation. He’s failing to uphold his part of their partnership, while she’s racking her brains for a solution.

The reality is that they’re both hampered by how they were raised and what they’ve experienced to date. In the past, he’s never had difficulty finding work and has watched his parents spend money freely without any talk of budgets. As an adult, she’s never been without a job and has watched her parents handle money with care. So is it any wonder that they’re talking past each other about their finances?

We all bring our personal biases to the table when it comes to money. The question is whether we’re willing to listen harder than we ever have before to figure out what our partners need from us. On some level, couples have to create their own vocabulary for how they talk about money. We can’t assume that the other automatically gets either the importance or point of what we’re saying.

Finances are never easy. Everything from whether a parent stays at home to whose name the home is in can trip up even the smartest of couples. Ignoring that we talk and think about these things differently will only create more frustration. If, as I believe, that the only thing we have true control over is our personal economies, isn’t it time that we figured out the language that helps build those economies instead of destroying them?

This sketch and post originally appeared in the Behavior Gap Newsletter. Sign up for the Behavior Gap Newsletter.